Tag Archives: shopping

The Battle of Black Friday

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I thought this was the crowd to get medicine for dying loved ones. My mistake, it was just the X- Box games.

I thought this was the crowd to get medicine for dying loved ones. My mistake, it was just the X- Box games.

I never quite understood what the feeling of battle was like. The quiet before the storm, the anticipation of terror that you’re sure will come. Black Friday at Wal-Mart has now given me a reference point for fear. We all know the tradition, you gorge yourselves on stuffing and political discussion with your families and then you go out and shop, because hey the deals are amazing.
I thought it would be a fun ol’ time full of whimsy and shopping.  Wrong. I got there at 6:15. Not only are there no lines, there are hundreds of people in the store just hovering around the items they’re going to snag. Oh Wal-Mart, they don’t do organization. That would be plain silly and unpatriotic. Standing in orderly lines for marked down popcorn machines and 12 foot televisions; what are we French? No, we’re Americans and if we don’t horribly maim someone to get our material possessions, then an eagle will fly down and smother you with the weight of an American flag.
Wal-Mart’s Black Friday sales set-up is as follows: Place large pallets full of items in the middle of the fruit section. Cover said items with flimsy sheets of tape. Let all customers hover by items. When 8 p.m. hits, cut the tape and let the circus begin! I decided to mark my territory by the 99 cent DVDs. It was a hotspot of hostility, but hey I had to take the chance. Soon a predator entered my territory. The small middle-aged Latino woman eyed me up and down, but I wasn’t giving in. I snarled my teeth in warning and she backed off, realizing that this wasn’t some jungle oasis, this was war. Then 8 o’clock hit and I grabbed the movies I wanted and walked to the cash register, without a climax actually. Nobody even grabbed the movies, why? I don’t know, they were so cheap! I was lucky to escape though, the X-Box games pallet was swarmed by people I assume needed these games to survive. Nobody would show that much rage and ambition if their lives weren’t staked on owning Call of Duty MW3.
So I escaped Black Friday physically unscathed, but mentally… I’ve suffered. I still wake up in the middle of the night in terror thinking of that Latino woman and her dead shark eyes, but then I just pop in one of my cheap new movies and think about what to buy next year.