Monthly Archives: December 2012

A Love Story


I’m sitting in Starbucks working on my computer and in comes the most loud/annoying girl I’ve probably had the opportunity of seeing. She sat right next to me with a guy, and the best part is that they’re on a first date.So of course I had to eavesdrop. What follows are actual quotes from this girl throughout this romantic experience.

She is wearing a leg cast: “Well I fell and you know I just did the regular med student thing and went on with my day. I didn’t even know I sprained it.  Anyways I normally swim like 60,000 meters a week, so this just totally sucks. Someone who is as athletic as me, it’s hard to not be upset about something like this.”

“I wouldn’t consider myself political per say. I do consider myself strongly opinionated on political things though. Like my parent’s are uber conservative, so I drive them totally nuts when I say liberal things. I mean whatever, they can’t control my brain.”

“ I just really care a lot about the children of this world.  Like starvation, that’s not OK. Wait, is there only one shot in this? Ugh, hang on one second. “

““My parent’s totally made me apply to Michigan, they were all we don’t care you’re a Buckeye. They ruined my life pretty much.”

“I mean yeah, I enjoy some retail therapy here and there.  But I do have some financial context drilled into my head. Whether I choose to use it, ha ha well that’s a different story.”

“Umm I think that since I am a Michigan Medical Student I have to show some loyalty, but I mean I was raised a Buckeye, you know moral dilemmas ha ha!”

Note- She goes on to repeat that she’s a Michigan Medical Student at least 7 times.

“I’ve read a lot of medical biographies or umm I like the Twilight Series. You know just like the pop stuff so I can get lost in a story that gets my brain off of all that medical stuff.”

The conversation took a weird turn to Ritalin and ADD?

“I feel like if there is a legitimate reason to use it, then by all means. But if you’re using it for fun then you should just kill yourself. People actually have really bad ADD and need it. There’s clinical material for diagnosing ADD, and we know when you’re lying.”

At the end, her date looked like he was in physical pain and she was discussing the pros/cons of child rearing techniques. All in all I think we can expect a summer wedding.


The Battle of Black Friday

I thought this was the crowd to get medicine for dying loved ones. My mistake, it was just the X- Box games.

I thought this was the crowd to get medicine for dying loved ones. My mistake, it was just the X- Box games.

I never quite understood what the feeling of battle was like. The quiet before the storm, the anticipation of terror that you’re sure will come. Black Friday at Wal-Mart has now given me a reference point for fear. We all know the tradition, you gorge yourselves on stuffing and political discussion with your families and then you go out and shop, because hey the deals are amazing.
I thought it would be a fun ol’ time full of whimsy and shopping.  Wrong. I got there at 6:15. Not only are there no lines, there are hundreds of people in the store just hovering around the items they’re going to snag. Oh Wal-Mart, they don’t do organization. That would be plain silly and unpatriotic. Standing in orderly lines for marked down popcorn machines and 12 foot televisions; what are we French? No, we’re Americans and if we don’t horribly maim someone to get our material possessions, then an eagle will fly down and smother you with the weight of an American flag.
Wal-Mart’s Black Friday sales set-up is as follows: Place large pallets full of items in the middle of the fruit section. Cover said items with flimsy sheets of tape. Let all customers hover by items. When 8 p.m. hits, cut the tape and let the circus begin! I decided to mark my territory by the 99 cent DVDs. It was a hotspot of hostility, but hey I had to take the chance. Soon a predator entered my territory. The small middle-aged Latino woman eyed me up and down, but I wasn’t giving in. I snarled my teeth in warning and she backed off, realizing that this wasn’t some jungle oasis, this was war. Then 8 o’clock hit and I grabbed the movies I wanted and walked to the cash register, without a climax actually. Nobody even grabbed the movies, why? I don’t know, they were so cheap! I was lucky to escape though, the X-Box games pallet was swarmed by people I assume needed these games to survive. Nobody would show that much rage and ambition if their lives weren’t staked on owning Call of Duty MW3.
So I escaped Black Friday physically unscathed, but mentally… I’ve suffered. I still wake up in the middle of the night in terror thinking of that Latino woman and her dead shark eyes, but then I just pop in one of my cheap new movies and think about what to buy next year.