Monthly Archives: November 2012

Thanksgiving Family Fun: A guide in survival

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The holidays are coming up which means it’s time for families to lovingly come together for turkey and awkward conversations. I limit my family interaction to about 4 times per year in order to keep my distance and  my lack of accomplishment and ambition a secret. So with the gathering of your nosy relatives, I’ve created a sure-fire way to keep yourself entertained!

1. If you happen to be in school/college, then you’ve  been asked about the status of your major close to 12,457 times.  So this holiday season when your crazy uncle meanders up to discuss your educational career you lie! Go with any major possible! The trick is to choose a major so outlandish and impossible that your family members will have no choice but to awkwardly pat you on the back  and half-halfheartedly wish you the best. My personal favorite is Interpretive Dance.

2. As the family is chowing down on turkey and can-shaped Cranberry Gel a slight political spark will alight and soon the political showdown will begin. Step 1 in this predictable event is to laugh quietly to yourself. Don’t make any sudden movements or they’ll pounce. Step 2,  when the argument is at it’s fullest get up from the table making as much ruckus as possible. While everyone stares at you in  silence RIP OFF YOUR SHIRT. Underneath you will be wearing your custom made Nader 2012 shirt.  Then quietly ask if anyone wants more rolls.

3. When the family is full from the food and the chit-chat picks up, somebody will turn and smilingly ask how your job is going (if you don’t have a job, just say that your demo is in the works.)  I personally plan to give a cheery account on the murderous thoughts I have when walking in the doors. “Decapitation by menu? I’ve googled and I’d be happy to tell you all about it aunt/cousin/uncle.”  You’ll charm the talk right out of your curious relatives.

4. If all else is lost and you’ve thought about drowning yourself in the gravy boat, then the last option you have is to find a quiet corner in your grandmother’s house and sob quietly to yourself.  Then, gorge yourself on food and hope that your body will hibernate until January.

Good luck this Turkey Day people,  be safe.

Pinterest: A lesson in dissapointment

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Like any self-respecting female, I belong to a fantastic website known as Pinterest. Yes ladies, we all know and love it. It’s like a Martha Stewart wet dream of DIY house projects and party planning ideas. Recipes, gift ideas, home décor! Oh my! If you have any large levels of estrogen in your body and have the privilege of living in a 1st world country, then you live in this magical website full of whimsy and present wrapping diagrams. The entire premise of this site is to “pin” cute little ideas to your categorized boards such as: Future Homes, Wedding Ideas, and Glitter Orgies. Like every other lady I pin like crazy to my boards, but c’mon it’s about time to call foul on this charade.
Weddings, home décor, quilting patterns? I have all of these pinned and yet not the slightest amount of ambition or talent to accomplish any of it. Home-made tealight center pieces with a glitter sneeze and garland… I don’t even know what that is, let alone how to do it.  Pinterest has made me over-estimate my abilities. That evil entity has built me up! Only to lead me on a downward spiral into failed wedding plans and a great recipe for a hard dose of reality. Home décor? On the path that I’m going, I’ll be living in a box in New York hoping Tina Fey will throw me scraps of talent and bread. Where’s my board for cozy box ideas Pinterest?! Give me something attainable! Wedding plans? Please. I need a cat lady category and fast.  How about 12 ways to scare neighborhood children off my lawn? I could use that. And honestly, with all the Mason jar decorations and recipes for “Mommy Cocktails” I’m pretty sure those homemakers are boozed up on moonshine to begin with. So c’mon Pinterest… help us out. We’re either too drunk or untalented to do any of this stuff anyway.