A Love Story

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I’m sitting in Starbucks working on my computer and in comes the most loud/annoying girl I’ve probably had the opportunity of seeing. She sat right next to me with a guy, and the best part is that they’re on a first date.So of course I had to eavesdrop. What follows are actual quotes from this girl throughout this romantic experience.

She is wearing a leg cast: “Well I fell and you know I just did the regular med student thing and went on with my day. I didn’t even know I sprained it.  Anyways I normally swim like 60,000 meters a week, so this just totally sucks. Someone who is as athletic as me, it’s hard to not be upset about something like this.”

“I wouldn’t consider myself political per say. I do consider myself strongly opinionated on political things though. Like my parent’s are uber conservative, so I drive them totally nuts when I say liberal things. I mean whatever, they can’t control my brain.”

“ I just really care a lot about the children of this world.  Like starvation, that’s not OK. Wait, is there only one shot in this? Ugh, hang on one second. “

““My parent’s totally made me apply to Michigan, they were all we don’t care you’re a Buckeye. They ruined my life pretty much.”

“I mean yeah, I enjoy some retail therapy here and there.  But I do have some financial context drilled into my head. Whether I choose to use it, ha ha well that’s a different story.”

“Umm I think that since I am a Michigan Medical Student I have to show some loyalty, but I mean I was raised a Buckeye, you know moral dilemmas ha ha!”

Note- She goes on to repeat that she’s a Michigan Medical Student at least 7 times.

“I’ve read a lot of medical biographies or umm I like the Twilight Series. You know just like the pop stuff so I can get lost in a story that gets my brain off of all that medical stuff.”

The conversation took a weird turn to Ritalin and ADD?

“I feel like if there is a legitimate reason to use it, then by all means. But if you’re using it for fun then you should just kill yourself. People actually have really bad ADD and need it. There’s clinical material for diagnosing ADD, and we know when you’re lying.”

At the end, her date looked like he was in physical pain and she was discussing the pros/cons of child rearing techniques. All in all I think we can expect a summer wedding.

The Battle of Black Friday

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I thought this was the crowd to get medicine for dying loved ones. My mistake, it was just the X- Box games.

I thought this was the crowd to get medicine for dying loved ones. My mistake, it was just the X- Box games.

I never quite understood what the feeling of battle was like. The quiet before the storm, the anticipation of terror that you’re sure will come. Black Friday at Wal-Mart has now given me a reference point for fear. We all know the tradition, you gorge yourselves on stuffing and political discussion with your families and then you go out and shop, because hey the deals are amazing.
I thought it would be a fun ol’ time full of whimsy and shopping.  Wrong. I got there at 6:15. Not only are there no lines, there are hundreds of people in the store just hovering around the items they’re going to snag. Oh Wal-Mart, they don’t do organization. That would be plain silly and unpatriotic. Standing in orderly lines for marked down popcorn machines and 12 foot televisions; what are we French? No, we’re Americans and if we don’t horribly maim someone to get our material possessions, then an eagle will fly down and smother you with the weight of an American flag.
Wal-Mart’s Black Friday sales set-up is as follows: Place large pallets full of items in the middle of the fruit section. Cover said items with flimsy sheets of tape. Let all customers hover by items. When 8 p.m. hits, cut the tape and let the circus begin! I decided to mark my territory by the 99 cent DVDs. It was a hotspot of hostility, but hey I had to take the chance. Soon a predator entered my territory. The small middle-aged Latino woman eyed me up and down, but I wasn’t giving in. I snarled my teeth in warning and she backed off, realizing that this wasn’t some jungle oasis, this was war. Then 8 o’clock hit and I grabbed the movies I wanted and walked to the cash register, without a climax actually. Nobody even grabbed the movies, why? I don’t know, they were so cheap! I was lucky to escape though, the X-Box games pallet was swarmed by people I assume needed these games to survive. Nobody would show that much rage and ambition if their lives weren’t staked on owning Call of Duty MW3.
So I escaped Black Friday physically unscathed, but mentally… I’ve suffered. I still wake up in the middle of the night in terror thinking of that Latino woman and her dead shark eyes, but then I just pop in one of my cheap new movies and think about what to buy next year.

Thanksgiving Family Fun: A guide in survival

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The holidays are coming up which means it’s time for families to lovingly come together for turkey and awkward conversations. I limit my family interaction to about 4 times per year in order to keep my distance and  my lack of accomplishment and ambition a secret. So with the gathering of your nosy relatives, I’ve created a sure-fire way to keep yourself entertained!

1. If you happen to be in school/college, then you’ve  been asked about the status of your major close to 12,457 times.  So this holiday season when your crazy uncle meanders up to discuss your educational career you lie! Go with any major possible! The trick is to choose a major so outlandish and impossible that your family members will have no choice but to awkwardly pat you on the back  and half-halfheartedly wish you the best. My personal favorite is Interpretive Dance.

2. As the family is chowing down on turkey and can-shaped Cranberry Gel a slight political spark will alight and soon the political showdown will begin. Step 1 in this predictable event is to laugh quietly to yourself. Don’t make any sudden movements or they’ll pounce. Step 2,  when the argument is at it’s fullest get up from the table making as much ruckus as possible. While everyone stares at you in  silence RIP OFF YOUR SHIRT. Underneath you will be wearing your custom made Nader 2012 shirt.  Then quietly ask if anyone wants more rolls.

3. When the family is full from the food and the chit-chat picks up, somebody will turn and smilingly ask how your job is going (if you don’t have a job, just say that your demo is in the works.)  I personally plan to give a cheery account on the murderous thoughts I have when walking in the doors. “Decapitation by menu? I’ve googled and I’d be happy to tell you all about it aunt/cousin/uncle.”  You’ll charm the talk right out of your curious relatives.

4. If all else is lost and you’ve thought about drowning yourself in the gravy boat, then the last option you have is to find a quiet corner in your grandmother’s house and sob quietly to yourself.  Then, gorge yourself on food and hope that your body will hibernate until January.

Good luck this Turkey Day people,  be safe.

Pinterest: A lesson in dissapointment

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Like any self-respecting female, I belong to a fantastic website known as Pinterest. Yes ladies, we all know and love it. It’s like a Martha Stewart wet dream of DIY house projects and party planning ideas. Recipes, gift ideas, home décor! Oh my! If you have any large levels of estrogen in your body and have the privilege of living in a 1st world country, then you live in this magical website full of whimsy and present wrapping diagrams. The entire premise of this site is to “pin” cute little ideas to your categorized boards such as: Future Homes, Wedding Ideas, and Glitter Orgies. Like every other lady I pin like crazy to my boards, but c’mon it’s about time to call foul on this charade.
Weddings, home décor, quilting patterns? I have all of these pinned and yet not the slightest amount of ambition or talent to accomplish any of it. Home-made tealight center pieces with a glitter sneeze and garland… I don’t even know what that is, let alone how to do it.  Pinterest has made me over-estimate my abilities. That evil entity has built me up! Only to lead me on a downward spiral into failed wedding plans and a great recipe for a hard dose of reality. Home décor? On the path that I’m going, I’ll be living in a box in New York hoping Tina Fey will throw me scraps of talent and bread. Where’s my board for cozy box ideas Pinterest?! Give me something attainable! Wedding plans? Please. I need a cat lady category and fast.  How about 12 ways to scare neighborhood children off my lawn? I could use that. And honestly, with all the Mason jar decorations and recipes for “Mommy Cocktails” I’m pretty sure those homemakers are boozed up on moonshine to begin with. So c’mon Pinterest… help us out. We’re either too drunk or untalented to do any of this stuff anyway.